Faith, Flour, & Sawdust

I can’t make this stuff up!

Parenthood is crazy

Two of my children are out of the house but some of it still applies to them. Maybe my children need to reread our family rules! If you have never read these you really should. Some are quite funny.

Parental Clause

Rules can be added to or modified at mom or dad leisure. These rules will be in effect until we say so.

We are not amused by your current or past behavior. Future behavior needs to be checked.

Thank you,

The Parental Units


Our house rules!

  1. We all live in the house we all help with the household chores. No one gets money for chores.
  2. Whoever makes it, gets to flush it.
  3. If you sprinkle when you tinkle, be a sweetie wipe the seatie.
  4. Don’t put the playground rock up your nose, the average 4 yr old can hold somewhere in the ballpark of 13 rocks up there before one has to take one to doctor’s office for removal, it has been tested and we don’t need a repeat.
  5. No talking or TV watching at the breakfast table, it is hard enough to get them going in the morning.
  6. Children eat meals at the kitchen table.
  7. You must have a glass of water at dinner first then you can have kool-aid.
  8. If you don’t eat your dinner then it will be wrapped and will be waiting for you in the fridge and nothing else will be had until the plate is clean that night.
  9. Talking and touching of bodily functions and parts is only to be done in the bathroom, this is thanks to Bradley.
  10. The f-word and the s-word are only allowed only if you bring mom or dad $250,000 first in hard cold cash, live on your own, are a movie star, or a rock star.
  11. The watching of violent and scary movies is permitted after a 3-page essay on the topic of the movie.
  12. The car is a mandatory shoe-wearing zone. Flip-flops are not allowed at the park.
  13. Singing is allowed in the tub, car, outside, and in one’s own bedroom. Or off key with mom in any room.
  14. Knock before entering shut doors AND wait for a response before entering. No sabotaging of sibling belongs while they are away from house or room.
  15. If you lock mom in a room for 45 minutes and go and turn the volume up on the TV so you can’t hear her, you better be prepared to face the consequences and better be able to stay an arm’s length away from her for 3 days.
  16. If you put a basketball in the dryer without mom knowing it and she doesn’t see it and starts the dryer and said basketball explodes and makes mom freak out you had better be conducting a science experiment. If said dryer stops working you will be explaining to dad why we have to buy a new dryer.
  17. Bubble Gum/silly putty and baby Powder should NEVER EVER be in the same room as the hairdryer.
  18. Dog leashes, stuffed animals, and boys are prohibited from the ceiling fans.
  19. When using paintball, b.b., or soft shell guns outside and practice shooting NEVER aim your gun at the house, your siblings, or the dogs/chickens.
  20. The only thing that should be flushed down the toilet is bodily functions; toy size Tupperware cups will not make it past the U bend.
  21. Bleach is to be handled and used ONLY by people who can drive a car.
  22. Play Dough is not allowed to be played with within 30 feet of the microwave or used in the same sentence together ever again.
  23. Play Dough is only allowed with a tarp under the table and adult supervision.
  24. Garbage bags are for trash, not parachutes.
  25. Always look in the oven before turning it on and plastic toys and ovens should NEVER be combined.
  26. The roof is OFF LIMITS to anyone under 6 feet tall.
  27. If mom is in the bath with the door locked leave her alone unless there is a fire truck with lights flashing outside the house, a family member is spouting blood, or dad is knocked out and no don’t hit your father to knock him out.
  28. If you leave an empty roll of toilet paper on the holder you will do the dishes for the next 3 days.
  29. If the phone rings and you know the number, answer it.
  30. Use pens and papers to write down notes and phone numbers, not body parts. And Sharpie markers should not be used on body parts or siblings.
  31. From now until forever Finger Paint is a controlled substance.
  32. Ketchup is not a vegetable.
  33. English cannot be taken again in school as a foreign language credit if you fail it the first time.
  34. If you spill something, clean it up or you will mop and sweep the house every week for a month.
  35. If mom and dad say no, you can’t go ask one of the many grandparents you have.
  36. Socks and underwear MUST be changed EVERY DAY!
  37. Children under 5 feet tall are not allowed to touch my scrapbooking items.
  38. Finish cereal in the pantry before opening a new box and when opening new box put it in the Tupperware container.
  39. For every D you have at the end of the year will delay your getting your driver’s license by one month.
  40. Phone calls must end at 9 pm on school nights and by 11 pm on weekends or non-school nights.
  41. Girlfriend/boyfriend may come over if the house passes mom’s inspection.
  42. If you are going to be in your room with said girlfriend/boyfriend door remains open, shoes on, & sitting on the floor. No horizontal allowed!
  43. Frequent visits by parents and siblings will be expected and permitted.
  44. Girlfriend/boyfriend must leave by 10 pm on weekend.
  45. No school day visits are allowed.
  46. Parents must be home during said visitation.
  47. If you go somewhere you must check-in at the said time that was agreed upon before departure. Failure to do so will result in grounding.
  48. Unless you have a car, well-paying job, and a home of your own, no hanky-panky is allowed. Talking about mom’s past will not be tolerated and will result in immediate grounding.
  49. Put away laundry the day mom puts it in your room, no living out of the laundry basket.
  50. Food belongs in the kitchen, no science experiments are allowed in bedrooms.
  51. Make your bed in the morning BEFORE you go to school.
  52. Coats belong in entry way behind the front door.
  53. We will not have 10 pairs of shoes by the front door.
  54. Snacks twice a day, not every hour.
  55. If you are Chihuahua patrol and the animal poops in the house, you get the patrol for the rest of the week. Keeping said animals in cage all the time doesn’t count as patrol time.
  56. You must log in your video game and tv time in the log book. Over use of video games and tv time will result in cut backs in next week’s hours.
  57. If you make a mess clean it up, do not walk away from it, CLEAN IT UP!
  58. Shower curtain liners are there for a purpose, use them.
  59. Trash goes in the trash bin, not on top or on the deck.
  60. If you like your underwear keep them in the drawer, laundry basket, and the laundry room closed. Winston Churchill, the beabull, cannot be trusted.
  61. Showers are a daily must, keeping the dirt and luck for the next day are not allowed.
  62. Calling a girl “Shorty” is not now or be it ever be acceptable.
  63. The DVR is set up to record certain programs don’t stop them without permission from mom or dad.
  64. No TV, XBox, Wii, movies, playing, or leaving the house until your chores off the list are done.
  65. Sunscreen is needed when outside. Off will be worn when in backyards.
  66. Curfew will be 11pm for 17yr. olds.
  67. During the summer time you will not sleep all day, 10am is go time.

I need to write a book on this.

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