Some days are better than others
Some hours are better than others. Most of the time I will power through, put on my happy face, and go on with life. You would never know that deep inside I am fighting a mental battle. I mourn my old life still, never in a million years did I ever think I would wake up sick one day and never get better. It is a very large and bitter pill to swallow.
Wednesday and Thursday of this week were just those days when I physically hurt, mentally hurt, and emotionally hurt. On those days I just need for people to be there, not ask questions be just be. That is a large request to ask your friends and family. They all want to help, to take away the pain, to fix me. Fixing me is not an option but just being there to hug or so I can vent and cry is the greatest gift I can ask my friends.
This is what I have asked my friends and family………I have an odd request. The last 2 weeks have been rough. If you see me this weekend please don’t ask how I am doing or feeling. I have a hard time lying to people and I try to be very transparent and open, so I will tell you it is not great. I know this is a simple standard greeting but it stirs up a lot for me. This will start me crying and my goal is not to cry at church this weekend. A simple Hi and a hug or if you have been sick, a fist bump will do. I told you it was an odd request.
It will be ok, just not today. I grieve for my old life, a life full of energy and health. Grief never ends though. It changes as you journey through life. Grief is a passage, but it is not a place to stay. The sense of loss must give way if we are to value the life we want to live.
I am not going to lie, I have had my moments where I feel like I don’t want to exist anymore. That statement right there scares me, I would never act on it. It scares me all the same. Those are the days when it is hard to get out of bed, difficult to get dressed and to be a human. Those days happen, but they are like bus stops, I can’t live there I have to get on the bus and continue my journey.
The life I can live is whatever will fit into that narrow space between having enough energy to get out of bed and reaching the point where I know I will crash and burn. It is a delicate dance through life, but it is my dance and I will dance the dance like no one is watching, The struggle is part of the story.
My faith will see me through
Matthew 11:29 (NLT) Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you because I am humble and gentle at heart, and you will find rest for your souls.
I am letting Christ lead me, he knows my journey, he knows why I must go through what I go through. I put my faith in him and let him lead the way. So far, I have survived 100% of my of my bad days. This too shall pass. I believe that difficult roads lead to beautiful destinations.
When we feel broken that is when God is strong. I can’t explain it but God is working in and through me. I am becoming a better person on this journey. God’s plan for me far exceeds the circumstances of my day. This life is a beautiful blessing, disease and all, and I ask that he forgives me because I need to love it more. I need to love my life and live it the best way I can. If try to live up to other people’s standards I will destroy my faith, spirit, and physical body.
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